We're Back... sort of

Sparky: Mommy is very embarrassed by the last post. I am sure all of you noticed the typos. This is why mommy always checks & rereads all posts before they are finalized. Of course with the craziness last Thursday mommy didn't go through her usual routine, so we apologize for the errors. Mommy said we should just leave it since everyone has already read it.

Sooo on with the new... Mommy has spent several days alone in her room laying down. I have spent some time laying with her just talking. It is a huge reminder of the philosophy that your mind is your worst enemy. Mommy has spent several days self analyzing. She has decided that she needs to stop beating herself up over still being fat 9.5 months after having Robert. Her thought is if she is that unhappy with body then she needs to do something other than take cheap shots at herself. This seems like it would make sense, but when you have a history of low self esteem & a past filled with abusive relationships it is hard to break the hate cycle. Mommy is taking the initiative by looking to others in similar situations & using their strength to overcome weight issues as kindling for the fire needed within herself. It has become painfully obvious that mommy has turned cigarettes & food into her support system through all of her past troubles.

Every one likes to think they are doing what is best but the painful truth is that we tend to let the hectic circle of life take over. When this occurs we go into survival mode & the little problems just get swept under the rug until it becomes a mountain with a pretty rug at the peak. This year has felt like one gut punch after another & mommy has just let it turn her into a battered women. This is all meant figuratively so don't think anyone in our house is getting hurt. With all of that said mommy wouldn't trade my little brother's birth for anything. Robert's existence has filled mommy with more purpose & drive than anything else ever has. He is a bright little star trying to light up the darkness of the night sky.

Mommy is trying to work on moving past the self analyzing stage & work on a game plan. It is a hard step. Many things have reared an ugly head & a few unwelcome realities have setup camp. It is a very hard thing to swallow when you take a step back & look at things. Mommy has pulled out of a lot of friendships that were emotionally draining & very time consuming when Robert was born. As the periodic contact with these people occurs it becomes very clear that mommy is not on the same page with a lot of people she once felt were kindred souls. This in no way means that there is something wrong with anyone involved. The best way to visualize this is imagine life is like a tree (yes I said tree, not a box of chocolates). As it matures the branches separate & grow in different directions. In the end it makes for a breath taking natural beauty but the initial split & growth is never pretty or comfortable.

Mommy has also come to the realization that she has turned into the doubting Thomas, the negative Nancy, & everything that irritates her in a lot of other people. Another painful & soul sucking behavior. Mommy doesn't want to be the person that can drain the positivity from a room in 0 to 60 seconds. She has begun questioning when she went from being a positive person to focusing on all of the negativity in life. It also makes one wonder was there ever a positive person inside or just an illusion painted in the mind to help you sleep at night. Right now no one knows what will come of all of this, but one thing is for sure I don't think mommy will be the same person a year from now. Please be patient with us as we grow & change. I am sure there will be slip ups & repeated bad behavior. The new mantra shall become it isn't about battles won & lost, it is the journey to win the war & make way for a brighter way of life :-)